Lemonade

Intuition
I tried to make a home outta you.
But doors lead to trapdoors. A stairway leads to nothing.
Where do you go when you go quiet?
The past and the future merge to meet us here.
What luck. What a fucking curse.

Denial
I tried to change.
Closed my mouth more.
Tried to be soft, prettier.
Less… awake.
Slowly did not speak another word.

Anger  
I think of lovers as trees... growing to and from one another. 
Searching for the same light. 
Why can’t you see me? 
Everyone else can.

Apathy

So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me?

Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head.  

Her God was listening. 

Her heaven would be a love without betrayal.

Emptiness 
She sleeps all day… dreams of you in both worlds. 

Loss. 

Dear moon, we blame you for floods… for the flush of blood… for men who are also wolves. We blame you for the night, for the dark, for the ghosts.

Every fear, every nightmare anyone has ever had.

Accountability

Did he bend your reflection?
Did he make you forget your own name?
Did he convince you he was a God?
Do his eyes close like doors? 
Are you a slave to the back of his head?

Reformation

Why do you deny yourself heaven?
Why do you consider yourself undeserving?
Why are you afraid of love? 

You think it’s not possible for someone like you.
But you are the love of my life.

Forgiveness
Baptize me… now that reconciliation is possible.
If we’re gonna heal, let it be glorious.
One thousand girls raise their arms.
Do you remember being born?
Are you thankful?

Redemption

You spun gold out of this hard life.
Conjured beauty from the things left behind.
Found healing where it did not live.

Broke the curse with your own two hands.

Pull me back together again the way you cut me in half.
Make the woman in doubt disappear.
Pull the sorrow from between my legs like silk, knot after knot after knot.
The audience applauds… but we can’t hear them.

13.04.2016

"This is the first song I wrote for my last album. I was feeling some pretty BIG feelings, and I was feeling kind of BLUE - I think you know where I'm going here! But what I realized is that all those things I was feeling were also very BEAUTIFUL. So no matter what you're going through in life, I want this to be a big, beautiful sky above you. I wrote this song, and I carry it with me around the world, from city to city... and now it's yours."

I really needed this. As always, it was liberating. Mother. The setlist. Everything. Thank you.

Real Friends

I'm a loner.

I like spending time by myself. Thinking about going out makes me excited, as does getting ready, but once I'm actually out, surrounded by people, I usually think about going home.

I've been feeling like this a lot lately, maybe because the people I used to call friends are not friends anymore, or maybe because I've changed. I don't know. I forgot what it means to have people who care about you.

But today something great happened - a big surprise. A very, very dear friend of mine who lives far away texted me, telling me that she thinks about me often and would want to meet me.

I swear I almost teared up. She's one of those people I'm so grateful I've met in my life, because we're so similar and she makes me feel less alone. We met at uni a few years ago and, while I was living in Milan, we saw each other pretty much every day, but we haven't met in almost two years.

So this post is just a reminder for myself: there ARE people who care about you, think about you, love you. They are out there, and you just have to be open enough to let them reach you. You're not alone.

ANTI

Okay so, in case you hadn't noticed, this blog has turned into a collection of things that inspire me, move me, or generally make me feel good.

i got to do things my own way darling will you ever let me


will you ever respect me – no


do things my own way darling

you should just let me


why u aint never let me grow

One of those things is Rihanna's latest album, Anti. It came out about a month ago and I've had it on repeat ever since. It's just a bunch of great songs, rather than proper pop hits, and it's so different from her previous work (not that I didn't like it, but Anti is just on a whole different level).

don’t know why just know i want you

There is one thing you need to know first though: I used to hate Rihanna. I used to be one of those people who talk shit about her just because of the clothes she decided to wear (or not to wear) but fortunately things changed. I don't know why, but a couple of years ago I started listening to her properly and realized how great she - and her music - is.

who cares when it feels like crack

hurtin vibe man it hurts inside when i look you in yo eye

what are you willing to do?
 oh tell me what you're willing to do

(kiss it kiss it better baby)

In the end most tracks are love songs, but not the usual, cheesy ones. For once, they're love songs (written from a female perspective) that I can totally relate to.

you took my heart and my keys and my patience


you took my heart on my sleeve for decoration


you mistaken my love i brought for you for foundation

all that i wanted from you was to give me

something that i never had


something that you've never seen


something that you've never been

I guess the reason I can relate to them is that they're all about past loves, or wanting to be in love, or loving someone but knowing you're a "lone wolf" and that's just never gonna change, no matter how much you would want it to.

there ain't nothin here for me anymore but i don't wanna be alone

There's still room for that good ol' badass Rihanna though:

didn’t they tell you that i was a savage

fuck ya white horse and ya carriage


bet you never could imagine


never told you you could have it

And then you've got my 3 faves: Love On The Brain

must be love on the brain thats got me feeling this way

it beats me black and blue


but it fucks me so good

and i cant get enough


must be love on the brain


and it keeps cursing my name

no matter what i do


i'm no good without you

and i cant get enough

Higher (an instant classic, one of those songs I could get tattooed all over my body): I love the lyrics, the honesty, the strings, the cracking drunken voice, fucking everything. I honestly wish it was 20 minutes long rather than just 2.

this whiskey got me feelin pretty so pardon if i'm impolite


i just really need your ass with me

i'm sorry about the other night


and i know i could be more creative

and come up with poetic lines

but i'm turnt up upstairs and i love you

is the only thing that's in my mind


you take me higher


higher than i've ever been babe

just come over let's pour a drink babe

i hope i ain't calling you too late


too late


you're like my fire

let's stay up late and smoke a jay
i

wanna go back to the old ways


but i'm drunk instead with a full ash tray

with a little bit too much to say

And last but not least, Close To You. I know exactly who I'm thinking about when I listen to this song.

i know you don’t need my protection 
but i’m in love can’t blame me for checking

i love in your direction


hoping that the message goes somewhere close

to you


close to you


like so close


if they hurt you, you wouldn’t find out

if you let me i’d be there by now

close to you

New Year

Last year I wrote a post on the 1st of January. Today is the 2nd, but I'm still going to write something because I feel like it and, well, this is my blog and I can do whatever I want with it.

Seriously though, I would like to talk about a song that I've only recently discovered thanks to that amazing cultural resource called YouTube:

The thing is, I'm so bad with words. Which is ironic for someone who wants to be a writer, right? Well, it's true. I always feel like whatever I say, I could phrase it better, and I'm never able to find the right way to express myself. 

But fortunately, poems and novels and songs exist. These tiny, little but very powerful things are very often able to speak for me, and this Whitney song is one of them.

I honestly think this song sums up the past year perfectly. Especially at the beginning, I felt so incredibly lost, which led me to make some pretty awful choices, but guess what? I'm still here. And there were definitely times when I thought I wouldn't make it this far.

So, while last year's first post was about that big fat word HOPE (and while I still find that big fat word to be super important), this year's post is about looking back and realizing that even in my darkest hour, even when I stumbled, I did not crumble. 

Here's to 2016: another year that will give me the chance to find, prove and know my own strength.