You're the 9 to 5, I'm the weekend

Am I listening to SZA?

No, I am listening to The Weeknd.

I had never written on this blog on my birthday, so here I am.

And no one reads this anyway, which is great.

I turn 31 today.

I feel so old, yet I still feel like a child.

I should stop starting all my sentences with "I".

Does that mean I'm egocentric? A narcissist? Probably.

I've just read an article on NYMag about taking charge of your life, and another one on MR about how "everything is copy". I should probably remember these two things.

I should probably also stop saying "I should".

Why am I always so strict and judgmental with myself?

I should probably also stop being that.

But how?

I guess that's what I will find out this year.

Trying to remember that I'm only human after all, and I'm just trying to figure this shit out.

But the most important thing to do is to stop waiting for my life to start.

Stop waiting for someone to save me.

I have to be who I am where I am.

Let's see if I manage to do that.

Georgia on my mind

Georgia is the font I use for this blog.

Georgia is the font I haven't used for almost a year.

I don't know why I forget about this virtual place, about the importance of expressing myself... but I do.

And it shows in my singing, and I hate.

But I also should stop beating myself up for not being perfect all the time and not remembering these things.

I'm trying. I'm doing my best.

My new singing teacher is almost like a therapist to me: she seems to understand what I'm thinking, even when I'm not saying it.

She likes to go deep, she really cares about her students and it shows.

I don't know how, but she just gets it. And last time I saw her, I cried, because it frustrates me when I can't get something right, but she reminded me that it's a process and I need to keep going.

Her classes are hard, but I know that they are just what I need.

I need someone to push me, to make me notice things that no one has ever pointed out before, even if it hurts in that moment. Even (and especially!) when it feels uncomfortable.

Strangely, even after I cried, I can't wait to go back and sing again.

Last night I was with a couple of friends and they asked me to sing, and I felt nervous about it, so I kept my voice very low, but they reminded me that my voice deserves to be heard. That I'm good. That this is what I love and what I want to do.

I don't think they know that they helped me make this realization, but they did, and I'm thankful for them.

I just want to sing all day every day, and I want to improve, and I want to do this for the rest of my life.

I don't know

I don't know what to write.

I don't know how I feel.

But I would like to write how I feel.

I have just finished reading "Just Kids" by Patti Smith and some parts were so relatable.

I have also been reading some old things I wrote years ago, some quotes I saved... some of them still ring true, others I just deleted.

It's so easy to just click "delete" to get rid (hopefully!) of certain memories, sometimes I wish I could do the same with some people.

I'm thinking about quitting social media, for a while at least.

I don't know (again) if it's going to make me feel better, but I do know that I would like to waste less time on it.

Not necessarily to be productive or anything, just to do other things.

Things that I actually like.

Things that don't make me feel like shit.

I can't wait to go back to my apartment.

Can't wait to unpack, put everything in its place, and most importantly, breathe. Relax.

Something I haven't really been able to do lately.

This is not my house anymore.

I'm sorry, but it just isn't.

And this is probably why I cannot even sleep properly at night.

Wow, these were some pretty random thoughts.

Okay.

Bye.

100 Years

I believe in you
And in our hearts we know the truth
And I believe in love
And the darker it gets, the more I do
Try and fill us with your hate and we will shine a light
And the days will become endless
And never, and never turn to night
And never, and never turn to night


Then it's just too much
I cannot get you close enough
A hundred arms, a hundred years
You can always find me here
And, Lord, don't let me break this
Let me hold it lightly
Give me arms to pray with
Instead of ones that hold too tightly


We have no need to fight
We raise our voices and let our hearts take flight
Get higher than those planes can fly
Where the stars do not take sides

I let him sleep and as he does
My held breath fills the room with love
Hurts in ways I can't describe
My heart bends and breaks so many, many times
And is born again with each sunrise
And is born again with each sunrise

Funerals were held all over the city
The youth bleed in the square
And women raged as old men fumbled and cried
"We're sorry, we thought you didn't care, oh"
And how does it feel now you've scratched that itch?
How does it feel?
And pulled out all your stitches
Hubris is a bitch
A hundred arms, a hundred years
A hundred arms, a hundred years

I sing

I don't think I've ever covered this subject here, but... I sing.

I have been taking singing classes for... almost 4 years now, and it is probably (definitely) my biggest pride and joy.

One of the worst things about this pandemic, for me, has been not being able to meet my teacher and sing into a microphone.

So we resorted to online lessons, but it's just not the same.

Today, she told me that from June on we will start doing live lessons again, and I honestly cannot wait.

There's just something about singing my heart out, even though I'm not singing my own lyrics... I simply love it and it makes me feel GOOD.

Of course there are times when my voice is not at its best, or when I feel tired, or when my teacher frustrates me... but apart from that, it is always an experience that fuels me.

All I want to do is improve and be able to sing my favorite songs.

I don't know if I will ever be a proper singer, or if I'll just keep singing between four walls. But I do know this: I'll keep going for as long as I can.

Sometimes I forget about the power of music, whether it is because I'm buried in my work or simply distracted by other things, but then I remember why I need it.

Because it pushes me forward, because it liberates me.

And with singing, I seem to have found a new dimension that allows me to do that even more.

It allows me to forget about everything around me, everything that brings me down. When I sing, all my worries disappear and I can just get lost in the music, the lyrics, the rhythm.

It's really hard to explain, but it's a wonderful sensation.

Ok.

Bye.

Isolation

Wow, I have just read my last blog entry and it was almost a year ago.

What has changed since then?

Well, I still live in the same flat, although I am not there at the moment.

Where am I? Funny you should ask... I am at my parents' place, due to a global pandemic that recently changed all our lives.

And we don't know how long it's going to last. And we don't know what's going to happen.

I am currently debating whether I should even keep paying rent (of course I will), but should I just tell my landlord that I'm leaving?

How do you move house during an emergency of such scale?

When will I know what the fuck to do?

It's quite interesting that I was still asking myself this last question, the last time I wrote, but now it has acquired a completely different meaning.

Now everyone feels like this. We all feel the same way, at the same time, but not together.

This is why I'm at my parents'. I am (sort of) okay feeling like this.

What I am not okay with, is feeling alone.

So I'm here.

And their puppy has just chewed up one of my favorite (if not the absolute best) bras...

Oh god.

I better go.

PS: this post absolutely SUCKED but I just wanted to write something.

Anger fuels me

That's so true.
These days have been so depressing, so empty and pointless... Everyone in the whole world craves for off days, and here I am: complaining about having too much free time.

There was a time in my life when I barely had time to eat: I was so focused on studying/working hard/working out, that I felt busier than ever. Because I was busier than ever. That's my problem, I guess: taking everything way too seriously, even stuff that doesn't need to be.

Now I have a pointless job that requires little to no effort, and there's so little work to do that they tell me to stay home and have a day off. Too bad this turned into 4 full days at home, with nothing to do. No books to read, no chores, nothing.

Here's what I did: on the first day I went for a walk, since it was sunny. That was a good idea actually, I moved a bit and should do that more often. But after that, I binge-watched Mad Men and ate too much for dinner, which led to a massive headache and a stomachache.

The following day, I went grocery shopping. Wow, look at me, getting excited about shopping for food. I tried to go for healthy stuff (mostly). Then some guy came to check on the boiler, which took about 1 hour. And that was it.

Yesterday, THANK GOD, my friend Serena came over and we booked a couple of hotels for our summer trip to Scotland. That made me excited, and I baked a cake while I was waiting for her. The cake turned out kinda meh, but it's fine. We went out for dinner to a place nearby, and it was okay.

Today I have literally nothing to do, and it's supposed to be raining this afternoon, so I asked my sister to go to Ikea with me but she said no. 

And here I am. Typing this pointless stuff while I wait for the oven to heat up (is that even a correct expression?).

I don't know. I could have used this time to write something, to get my dream started, but I didn't. I didn't apply for new jobs, I didn't (really) sing, I didn't do any relevant soul-searching activity.

The truth is I've always been so busy when I was younger, that I never dedicated any time at all to my passions. So now that I'm 28, which by my standards is ANCIENT, I do have time, but I don't know how. I don't know how to relax, how to actually listen to my desires, my needs, my soul. How do I do that?

How do I figure out what to do with my precious, slipping, amplified time? How is it possible to simultaneously feel like you have way too much time on your hands and no time at all?

All I know is I wanna sing. Forever.