WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME

For real though.

I am so. fucking. angry. at some stupid BOY and I decided to come back on here.

I was reading some old posts and while some were remarkably wise and adult (considering I wrote them), generally speaking they made me so. fucking. depressed.

I am still the same! I never fucking learn! I always write the same shit!

That's probably because I always LIVE the same shit. Over and over again. Until it destroys me.

Take this, guy, for example (who happens to be the same guy of the past 3 years, by the way):

We had a fight. Like a big, huge, terrible fight. Said horrible things to each other, I honestly, honestly wanted him dead. Fast forward to one month-ish later, and I went back to him like a fucking idiot.

And it's not like he wanted me back. He stayed the hell away from me, just like I wanted. Just like we both wanted. But then I started missing him, so I went back. And - long story short - we just can't be together, so he told me to let it go. BUT I CAN'T FUCKING LET IT GO! How lame is that?

How lame is it that I am so hungry for attention, any attention, that I let this guy treat me like shit?

And the thing is, I told my friend (who knows us both) about this, and he literally asked me: "Do you want to suffer? You know he's gonna make you suffer, don't you?".

This is so simple. And I know that if I were the friend looking at it from the outside, I would say the exact same thing, because I've been that friend. And yet here I am.

Starving. For him.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

He takes the day, but I am grown

So it's become a bit of a tradition, hasn't it... this whole "write a blog post at the beginning of each year" thing.
It's quite funny, since I honestly had almost forgotten about this space.

I guess I haven't been feeling that well in the past year, and the post I wrote last April pretty much sums up my mood (even now!). How sad, huh?

So here I am, tired, laying on the couch as I type these words, not entirely sure about WHAT.

All I know is in the past "new year" posts there was always some music, so I guess I should stick to that and give you a song? But what song? I don't even know what was my most listened one in 2017.

Okay, I thought of one. A pretty obvious one, to be honest... 

Last year I cried a lot. Like, A LOT. Puffy eyes, waterfalls streaming down my face, silent sobs... you name it. That was me. Sometimes every day. Sometimes in bed. Always alone.

Amy needs no introduction so I'm not gonna bore you with that (who am I even talking to? who reads this other than me?). Every time I listen to this song - or to her music in general - I feel understood. Which scares me, since I'm nearly 27 and not in the mood for dying, but also makes me feel good about how I feel... if that makes sense.

So here's a reminder: TEARS DRY. ON THEIR OWN.

Thanks, girl.