Anger fuels me

That's so true.
These days have been so depressing, so empty and pointless... Everyone in the whole world craves for off days, and here I am: complaining about having too much free time.

There was a time in my life when I barely had time to eat: I was so focused on studying/working hard/working out, that I felt busier than ever. Because I was busier than ever. That's my problem, I guess: taking everything way too seriously, even stuff that doesn't need to be.

Now I have a pointless job that requires little to no effort, and there's so little work to do that they tell me to stay home and have a day off. Too bad this turned into 4 full days at home, with nothing to do. No books to read, no chores, nothing.

Here's what I did: on the first day I went for a walk, since it was sunny. That was a good idea actually, I moved a bit and should do that more often. But after that, I binge-watched Mad Men and ate too much for dinner, which led to a massive headache and a stomachache.

The following day, I went grocery shopping. Wow, look at me, getting excited about shopping for food. I tried to go for healthy stuff (mostly). Then some guy came to check on the boiler, which took about 1 hour. And that was it.

Yesterday, THANK GOD, my friend Serena came over and we booked a couple of hotels for our summer trip to Scotland. That made me excited, and I baked a cake while I was waiting for her. The cake turned out kinda meh, but it's fine. We went out for dinner to a place nearby, and it was okay.

Today I have literally nothing to do, and it's supposed to be raining this afternoon, so I asked my sister to go to Ikea with me but she said no. 

And here I am. Typing this pointless stuff while I wait for the oven to heat up (is that even a correct expression?).

I don't know. I could have used this time to write something, to get my dream started, but I didn't. I didn't apply for new jobs, I didn't (really) sing, I didn't do any relevant soul-searching activity.

The truth is I've always been so busy when I was younger, that I never dedicated any time at all to my passions. So now that I'm 28, which by my standards is ANCIENT, I do have time, but I don't know how. I don't know how to relax, how to actually listen to my desires, my needs, my soul. How do I do that?

How do I figure out what to do with my precious, slipping, amplified time? How is it possible to simultaneously feel like you have way too much time on your hands and no time at all?

All I know is I wanna sing. Forever.

Every time I hear that song

So I have been super into these amazing artists lately...
I am so incredibly late to the party but I've been listening to a lot of Margo Price, Maggie Rogers and... Brandi Carlile.
Also some Phoebe Bridgers, Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker. And Maren Morris. And H.E.R. And I'm seeing Flo again this month.
It's all super exciting.
It's all super depressing.
Because I know, I know, I know I should be creating some music, but all I'm doing is be miserable and procrastinate by fake-watching Downton Abbey.

But these songs... oh man, these songs, by these fantastic ladies... they remind me that there's work to be done. That I love singing. And I love writing. And I love music. And I'm fucking good at it, no matter what anyone says. No matter who doesn't believe in me. No matter how they make me feel.

It's about how I feel when I'm in that moment. When I'm in that stupid class, when I'm in front of strangers, when I don't even know where I am, because I'm so focused on the lyrics.

And I know (or well, so I'm told) that I shouldn't focus on the lyrics, that I could even invent them, but how could I? When they're so perfectly capable of expressing feelings that I just couldn't even name until I heard those songs?

I still have my beloved Sam, and Adele, and Amy of course.

But these new discoveries opened up a whole new world for me. I can look different. I can start later. I can still do whatever I want to do. I only need to start.

And even though I want to be great at it (like I want to be great at every little thing I do), I need to remind myself of WHY. Why do I sing? Because I love it. I sang my heart out the other day, in the car, and it felt so good. Like a weight was lifted from my chest. And I don't care if I can't reach all the notes. I don't care if I can't sing like my teacher wants me to. I don't care if it sometimes is physically painful. I don't want to stop. Ever.

P.S: Brandi Carlile has one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard.